he’s married. he married her. he fucking married her… old news at this point and yet these thoughts cross my mind and i am so angry… just rollin down the road havin a fine time blastin some bitchin blues and then - and suddenly i am so fucking angry.
and if you do think of me… you think of how much I have always loved you and of how much I believed in you and in us and you think of how long I waited for you and of how I love you even still even as write this even as you read this even as you think of this know that somewhere I am loving you as I have do always will and you think of my deathbed scene with no mate to grieve me and no children to continue me… you think of me dying alone.
…close enough to be distracting. I’m 500 miles from home - from you - and this is the first time I’ve “found” you in a stranger’s face… still, I am not surprised.
But the wave of missing you I felt with this recognition was shocking in both its suddeness and strength.
So here I am, standing in a corner tumblr-ing about you instead of making an effort to find the man who’ll help me forget that you’ve been the only one I wanted to spend my forever with for most of my adult life (and for most of those teenage years before).
When I say forever it is not because I mean it in the present moment. It is because I am committed to meaning it in the future.
This is obviously based on the feelings and beliefs of the present, but feelings and beliefs change. Without deeper commitment, such things change and don’t change back. Past forevers come to an end. Previous promises become lies.
My forevers are forever.
Not talkin’ ‘bout a year
No not three or four
I don’t want that kind of forever
In my life anymore
Forever always seems
to be around when it begins
but forever never seems
to be around when it end
…of course he is.
i miss you.
i miss the you that you
you still wanted me.
i want you.
i want the you that you
you still loved me.
i love you.
and still, i love you.
7 years since I last saw or spoke to him… I can’t even remember when I last wrote him anything but unsent letters. Somehow it feels like I only completely comprehended this - how long it has been - after learning he had married someone else. My world felt (still kinda feels) like someone had pressed a fast forward button. And then they put it in slow motion…
Seven Years. These words were on heavy rotation in my mind that day. Except it was more like seven years! And as the day wore on I tended more towards saying them aloud while generally doing everything with more force than required.
open door… seven years. Wham!
move books to table… Slam! seven years.
climbing stairs… Stomp-stomp! seven Stomp! years.
… … … … … … …
Somehow - despite his silence - my waiting without wondering, my faith without facts… my belief that our life together was meant to be and therefore would be - eventually… became habit.
I haven’t had such fun listening to a song in a while - it’s kinda like Nancy Sinatra on speed - and I’ve always loved this use of crazy. Thanks again Miranda for another great tune.
Go and fix your makeup
Girl it’s just a breakup
Run and hide your crazy
And start actin’ like a lady…
Leave it to me to be
Holdin’ the matches
When the fire trucks show up and
There’s nobody else to blame…
- “Mama’s Broken Heart,” Miranda Lambert
I was beginning to think I had listened to “our” songs and sad relationship songs on replay enough times to become immune. Then this new song comes along to add a fresh perspective to the collection and, for a few moments, I am wrecked.
But you went away
How dare you?
I miss you
They say I’ll be ok
But I’m not going to
ever get over you
- “Over You,” Miranda Lambert
Yes, the guy in this song is dead, but you have to listen through to figure it out and I was in tears at the first chorus. “How dare you…” His death means this is not the break-up screaming “How DARE YOU!!!” Here, the anger is channeled through love - it is the sorrowful anger of grief.
I discovered this is a much better match for my emotion these days than any you-left-me-I-hate-you song. I’ve never hated anyone, certainly not the man I’ve loved more than any other (so far). However upset or crazy or pissed I would be (am) at times, my love for him was always there too. It still is even though he is not and so, despite his being very much alive, I grieve.
“How dare you? I miss you…” Perfect.
His last words to me were about calling me in the afternoon (so we could figure out a time to see each other).
He did not call. Not that afternoon. Not ever again.
His failure to do as he said transforming the very last words I ever heard from the love of my life - thus far - into an “I’ll call you” brush off. I can not convince myself this was his intent as he was saying them.
I am too sad about this to be angry anymore.
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